Thoughts...

Darn.

School is going to start again next week.

Double darn.

I know it's good to see your friends and the like. And yeah, I really really want to see them again.

Goodness, I have missed you guys more than I've imagined. Especially when I went back to school today with the prefects. I was like sort of hoping somewhere within me that my other non prefect friends would come back too. Like Kim, Tan, Cher and the gang la.

Next year... I mean next week it's Form Five already.

School. Sort of happy to go back and sort of not because it means end of holidays and last yr of school for me.

But I know without doubt that once I get back to school, I can set my mind back to real hard work of studying and will no longer dwell on what's been troubling me during the last month of holidays...

I'll try to run and I'll try to hide but I know that it will soon catch up with me.

Christmas is all around

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Whoot!! Thank God! The Christmas Eve dinner was a success! And we had a rip roaring time too! Whoot!! Praise God!

Hmm... okay, I owe Vanessa an explanation on how the christmas sketch turned out. So I thought, why don't I tell all of you about my entire Christmas eve?

I was there planning and working for the dinner since the morning of the eve at Grand Continental Hotel actually. It was tiring, admittedly, but it was fun too. So here's the deal.

Mike told me he would be there at 9.15 because he would be setting up the instruments with the rest of his 5-macho-men team or so he calls it (note to self: in the end, he had like more than 5 to help him and some of the guys were younger than me.) And my kepala (for the deco team which I'm on) asked me to come at ten. So I came at ten la.

And then, joys of joys, everyone stares at me when I enter the hotel.

Not only that, when I reach the Rafflesia Ballroom (where the function is being held) NO ONE IS IN SIGHT MAN!!

So initial thought that ran through my mind was: I think I'm in the wrong ballroom.

After asking the staff, my final thought was: ... THEY TOLD ME TO COME AT TEN!!!! CHEATER BUCKERS!!

So anyway, we waited. The guys came at ten thirty. My kepala, Auntie Jane came at eleven with all the deco.

Oh yeah btw, the hotel management was extremely nice. Since we were there the whole day preparing for the function, they provided us with this really cool hotel room. *squeal* But the room can only fit like four or five ppl (if more than that, sesak and cannot breathe LOL) So for a while, all the youth that were there (which was like fifteen?) squabbled over who was going to use the room. :P

But since only Lilian, me, Rebecca and Rachel had brought our change of evening wear with us (we knew about the room beforehand while the others only knew that day) we WON THE BATTLE FOR THE ROOM! MUAHAHA!! And as us girls won, we KICKED OUT EVERY SINGLE GUY WHO WANTED TO COME INTO THE ROOM! MUAHAHA!! See, I'm so mean. :P Whenever a guy wanted to come in we would yell: No guy allowed!! But they still came in anyway out of our kind hearts. :D

Which reminds me, the guys (as in the ones younger than me) were more than annoying that day, brotherly type of annoying I guess. What did they do? Let me think...

First: When they found out we had a hotel room, they stole the hotel key from a very blur Rebecca and went up to trash the room!! We didn't even know until I went: Hey! The hotel room! Let's go have a rest liao since we finish deco liao!
Rebecca: Uh oh where's the key?
Rachael: You gave the boys what.
Sam, Lilian and me: OH NO!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY"RE GOING TO TRASH THE ROOM!!!
*runs madly to elevator and rush to room on eleventh floor*
Sam: (while on elevator) My brother is going to consume all the food!
Lilian and me: NOOO!! IT"S OUR FOODD!!!!!
But of course, besides the guys running around madly in the room and jumping on the two beds, no other harm was done.

Well, after decorating the room it was already 2 in the afternoon. My feet were sore because I was tottering around the ENTIRE ballroom in tight fitting heels. Never knew my feet could grow that big so fast. And note to self: I only wore heels because I had to wear them for the evening and I was lazy to bring my sandals. In the end, I had two blisters on both two little toes because I TOTTERED ON HEELS FOR TEN HOURS THE ENTIRE DAY!! I HATE HEELS!!

Anyway, we retired to the nice little room THAT WE WON FROM THE BATTLE EARLIER ON AND AFTER KICKING OUT ALL GUYS, BIG AND SMALL WHO TRIED TO ENTER THE ROOM, we had our lunch of salad chicken rice that Soby (I mean Sobraj) bought for us. See, we have a nice man slave right? Haha... no la, jk, he went willingly.

After kicking out the guys who tried to enter the room again ( I love saying that :P) we watched TV and stuff and then we realized that we were out of water and we were too lazy to boil sommore in the TINY pot. So Rebecca and I went off across the street to Mita Bakery to buy two litres of mineral water which I hauled back (no help from her. pffff... no la she offered, but I refused.) I stole Lilian's sandals (with her permission) becuase I realized if I wore heels to go buy the water, I was in big trouble because:
Reason 1: I HATE HEELS! AND I"M NOT USED TO THEM!
Reason 2: Got too many cars. Can't run fast in heels and might get into accident.
Reason 3: I'm carrying two litres of water on my hands. Heels will definitely be a no no!
So we bought the water, me in Lilian's sandals. Darn, should have brought my sandals.

We went back and watched TV for a while and sometimes listened to the radio. We watched Catch That Kid and also the Three Ninjas movie because there was nothing good on. Haha... we shoved Rebecca into the bathroom at around 3.30 because we needed to be dressed by 5.30 and she took like one hour to bath!!! I went in last coz I'm the most quick and most efficient when it comes to bathing. Ekkk, I'm perasan.

We shot lotsa silly videos in the hotel room, including one of me screaming at the top of my voice. What did my neighbours next door think? LOL It's still on my hp, so you can see it on the 28th, prefect friends of mine. Haha...

Oh... one more aspect in which the guys were annoying.

The lifts in Grand Continental has EXTREMELY sensitive buttons. Slight touch and it lights up. One guy, while playing on the lift when we were all going to the eleventh floor to our room (the ballroom is on the 2nd btw) crashed into the lift buttons, thereby lighting up EVERY BUTTON TO EVERY FLOOR! I tell you we screamed and yelled and shouted until everyone else on the lift was staring at all of us like we were raving. Rebecca, Lilian, Rachael and me were sooo bloody angry with them when the lift stopped at every floor and it took SOOOOOO SLOW to reach our final destination. It's like 3rd floor open, 4th floor open again and so on and so on. OMG, it was the longest ride in the lift I had to take. By the time we reached the 11th floor, we were just about to murder the guys for torturing us! :P

At 5 all of us had bathed and were ready to go. But Rebecca kept doing her make up (VAIN POT!!) and we all had to wait for her till she was done. Lilian left in desperation while Rachael and me (being good friends pffff) waited and almost fell asleep on the comfy beds. So we went down anyway, pulled some things straight. And the dinner was off to a start!

The kids were soooo adorable! Esp this tiny kid called Bryant who kept slapping his forehead as if he were exasperated with singing the song! SOOO CUTEEE!!! And what more he's wearing a tiny little red bow on his shirt again! EEEEKKKKKK!!!

Then got singing and opening prayer. Then got the superb choir with the superb pianist (which was yours truly HAHA! PERASAN!) Then got Unc Jimmy who sang really well. But I was too nervous to notice because the next act was the sketch!! The youth sketch that all of us, esp Mike has laboured so hard for!!

I was so damn nervous and my throat was soooo dry. And wonder of wonders, my glass was empty and the waiter did not refill! Pfff... so I had to swallow and swallow my saliva just to keep my throat moist. Pffff...

Before the sketch begun, the actors and actresses went to change into their outfits and then they were too nervous to go back into the ballroom so they went milling around outside the room. I couldn't stand being in the ballroom (butterflies in tummy) so I went outside to join them in their milling.

Few minutes to the sketch and the rumbling of my tummy continues (partly because of nervousness and also because for the whole night, I hadn't exactly had the time to eat much because I was involved in quite a number of programmes!) We prayed and then something very funny happened. Or rather I was shocked the rest found it funny.

Me: (to Samantha) Sam, I'm so nervous!!
Sam: (hugs me) Don't be, don't be!
Then she kisses me lightly but impulsively on my cheek.
Me: (stumbles back because I'm surprised) Sam?!
Peter and Sobraj: (watching) Eeeee... (moves backward)
Silas: Aiyah, I very nervous ler. (tugs at the loincloth he has to wear for the sketch. HAHA)
Sam: Don't be! (moves forward to him)
Silas: (takes a weird look at her and stumbles back out of her reach)
Sam: (laughs) Don't worry. I might get the guts to hug you but I won't kiss you.
Entire cast laughs.

It was sweet of her to do that actually. Don't think I'm gay or something la but seriously, it's nice for a girl to have her friend give her a peck on the cheek once every now and then. So Van, mebbe kisses are sometimes better than hugs. But I still like hugs more because hugs can be done between very good friends of opposite sexes! HAHA. In your face!

The sketch went extremely well!! Sobraj was like WOW!! First thought of mine when he went on stage: OMG! He's so... B I G! Seriously, during practice (the ceiling of the stage is low) he kept bumping into the ceiling poor thing. Haha. But on the night itself, he was brilliant! He really really played his part of God the Father well!! He was good in relating to the audience.

Lilian! Whoa! Transformation man! She's supposed to play the devil and during the practices, her face was always pretty impassive. But on the night itself! Wahlau! Her face was so fierce and scary and so I-hate-you type of face! She was shoving Silas (Man in Bondage) around so realistically and so fiercely! Go girl!

Silas! Good actor man! I never knew he could act, seriously. He was extremely good. He was the best (no offence to the others) He really did his part extremely well. He screamed so real, he shouted as if he was really in pain when the devil tortured him. Wow.

Hmm... oh yeah. Peter did an excellent job as well. His part was too short actually come to think of it. Pffff...

And all the other minor actors did well too. Considering they are the guys WHO CONSTANTLY ANNOYED US TO DEATH IN THE ROOM AND IN THE BALLROOM THE ENTIRE DAY, they actually REMEMBERED their cues and did their parts RIGHT. So yeah, they're ALMOST forgiven by mua because they did a great job. Note the word ALMOST.

Then we had a good sermon and then some more singing and carolling and the night ended. Muahaha...

Oh yeah, before I forget, here are the top jokes of the night: provided by Rebecca and her insane sister, Rachael.

Rebecca knocked over her pair of chopsticks TWICE! Aduh. So when she got her third pair of chopsticks, Sam, Steph and me dared her not to drop it, because if she did, it would be a sign that she can never marry a Chinese. LOL Dunno why but she didn't drop it after that again!! And then right after that, she ask for a glass of Chinese tea which she never got! Muahahaha... Really ah, why is she trying so hard to adapt to Chinese culture when she's an Indian? *cough* *cough*

At one point we all disturbed her by getting the entire table to collaborate to eat our bowl of fried rice with chopsticks. We pushed her to do the same because everyone else was doing it but she took up her spoon and used that to attack her rice. Aiyah, no fun wan.

Rachael made some equally stupid joke too. My church is located about a small shop called Ayam Makhota which in turn is near a can-call-it-landmark Everise at BDC Crystalbowl. So when the emcee was explaining how to get to church, he said: So you can see a landmark there by the name of..
Rachael: (cuts in) AYAM MAKHOTA!
Me, Sam, Steph and Rebecca: ...
I mean how can you expect anyone to know where Ayam Makhota is?!

Well that's about all. HOPE YOU"RE HAPPY NOW VAN!

Oh yeah, before I forget. I know I'm slow but Chron of Narnia is damn GOOD!!! AHHHHHH!!

Shall stop my rants here now...

ATTENTION PREFECTS!

I really really dunno why I'm putting this out in my blog...

Or mebbe it's because I have some extremely BLUR prefects under me *cough* Vanessa *cough* who doesn't know about what's going on the 28th! *glares*

And also mebbe because I can't reach all prefects via email or phone or MSN Msger because I don't have them.

And also because some prefects *cough* Vanessa *cough* do NOT check their MSN Msger, even though they chat ol almost everytime, for Kok Ming's or my current nick. *glares*

Haha, okay enough glaring. Back to the real thing.

Form Four Prefects of 2005! Remember to come back to Lodge School on the 28th morning at 8 to help out with desks and what not for the new year of 2006! Duties end at 12 and NOT EARLIER THAN 12 SO DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO RUN AWAY!! Unless of course you get earlier dismissal. Mr Lee and Mr Lim will be there so please put on your best behaviour and be a good prefect which means act under orders and help out to the best of your ability.

Please PLEASE wear your Prefect T Shirts and jeans. You can choose whether you want to wear your Prefect cap or not but t shirts are an absolute must. And please PLEASE for the girls, DO NOT WEAR HOT PANTS!!

ATTENDANCE IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY COMPULSORY! Attendance is going to be taken and whoever does not make it will be reported back to the teachers, so watch it.

Thank you for your cooperation.

I know the part in bold is so formal it makes you feel nausea (in the words of Kok Ming) But I have to do it.

So prefects, if you don't show up on the 28th and have no valid reason for doing so, THE WARNING HAS BEEN GIVEN.

Bwahaha...

Lessons Learnt

You know what all those people say: You pick up lessons when you go on life's way.

And me, yes like all the other ordinary people out there, have learnt my lessons. Yes siree I have. Most of the lessons that I learnt here are mainly lessons I've learnt at my own expense; eg. getting laughed at and embarassed. And I'm only relating them to you because I laughed at myself when I think back on those times and so that you won't make the same mistake I did.

Anyway, here goes what I've learnt in the past few weeks.

Siaw Hui's lessons
1) Never ever EVER doubt what the air stewardess say because if you do, you end up in big big trouble.
Air stewardess: (during the routine safety announcement in the flight) You can find the life jacket below your seat.
Brother: Hey, you know they always say that but you never know whether they tell the truth or not.
Me: (stupidly) Yealar. Let's check whether ours got or not.
Both of us scuffle around in our seats and reach below our seats. I manage to pull out my life jacket but my brother's is jammed.
Me: (triumphantly) HAH! I got!
Brother: Whatever.
We stare at the life jacket in my hands and I attempt to put it back into its normal place but I fail.
Me and brother: Uh oh. Cannot put back liao. How ler?
The life jacket ends up being dumped into the pocket in front of me.

2) Michael apparently thinks history is just another fiction story...
Me: (while car passes through Jalan Song) Eh what's that park there with that statue? Who's it supposed to be?
Ruth: Laksamana Cheng Ho.
She, Rebecca and Rachael burst out laughing.
Me: (puzzled) What's so funny about that?
Ruth: (snorts) When we told Michael that that was Laksamana Cheng Ho, he said, "Issit? I never knew he existed..."

3) Little kids are extremely EXTREMELY gullible...
Little kid: (on the tour bus in China talks to the tour guide) Eh how come I didn't see you at the cultural show at the Shenzhen Cultural Village?
Tour guide: (senses a chance to trick the kid and pretends to be shocked) Really you didn't?
Little kid: Yes, I tried and tried to see you but you weren't there.
Tour guide: Aiyah you must look more carefully la.
Little kid: But really you weren't there!!
Tour guide: Aiyah, that's because I was performing on stage bah.
I can't stand and burst out laughing. Tour guide turns around and he gives me a little conspirational wink.
Little kid: Sure or not? Didn't see you on stage either!!
Tour guide: Got wan. You remember got one dancer that was flying? That was me. And you remember got another skinny one prancing around? That's the other tour guide. (points at colleague)
Little kid: (oggly eyed) Wahhhh you so good.
Tour guide: (tries hard not to laugh) Tonight at the other show you're going to watch, I'm going to dance too.
This time I laugh till I cried.

4) Mums become extremely blur when you go on holidays with them...
First incident...
Me: (tastes the honey that has been taken out together with a little wax straight from bee hive) Wow, the honey is so sweet!
Mum: Wow, the wax is not bad to eat eh!
Me: ...
Second incident...
Mum's friend: (after a splendid cultural show that involves dancing and singing) Do you want to go 'sing song'? (Note: In Mandarin 'sing song' means going to have a pee... In Mandarin it's chang ge)
Mum: (completely misunderstands) Yeah! The singing was terrific and the dancers were wonderful! The show was super fantastic!
Me and mum's friend: ...

5) Never EVER fall on ping pong tables because not only will you end up having to nail the entire broken table back but you will also sustain a back ache that tortures you.

6) When SOME inconsiderate people try to shove you OR push you OR step on your foot OR jostle you when you are lining up for immigration, the most effective way to get rid of them is to roll your trolley bag over their sore feet in retaliation. It will clear the way for you, trust me.

7) Never EVER get involved in a Kelabit language conversation especially when those said Kelabits involved are your friends who like pulling your leg...
Zoe: Agan, do you know how to speak Kelabit?
Agan continues drinking his water.
Me: (cuts in) Zoe, you know how to?
Zoe: (grins evilly and gabbles something in Kelabit)
Agan: (chokes on water and snorts into his cup)
Me: What? WHAT? Repeat!!
Zoe: (grins even MORE evilly and repeats)
Agan: (sets down his cup and laughs even louder)
Me: What? What? What did you say about me?!!
Agan: (grins evilly) She said something about your hair.
Me: (glares at him) I don't trust that look on your face.
Michael comes along.
Me: Mike, you know Kelabit. Tell me what Zoe's saying.
Michael: Okay.
Zoe: (repeats again)
Michael: (burst out laughing together with Agan and Zoe)
Me: (storms off in a fury)
Till today I don't know what the heck they were saying.

8) Never EVER cough in the Hong Kong airport especially with this bird flu crisis because once you do, all those immigration officers will look at you suspiciously immediately.

9) Don't act like a sakai when you see that there's inflight entertainment on your flight because it just might turn out that in the ultimate end, the inflight entertainment does not become your entertainer at all because THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WATCH!!!

10) Never EVER stop at a counter selling jewellery in China or Hong Kong without your parents, because the moment you stop at a particular piece of it and start showing interest, a whole hoarde of sales girls will ambush you and start gabbling away in Mandarin to which, if you're a banana person like me, you can only reply, "Wo kan kan er yi." (I'm just looking.) Even then, they'll continue hounding you like a hawk does its prey.

11) Out of 48 channels in China, there is only ONE miserable pathethic ONE channel that is in English and that if you want to keep yourself entertained with the TV, you'll have to endure naked baboons flashing their red ugly butts across the screen as they run like silly monkeys. Oh wait, they are. :P

Well I guess that's about it.

Lost in these haunting thoughts of mine... I'm musing... I'm watching... I'm doubting...

The Dream

I'm feeling extremely sleepy right now.

And I've never been more confused in my entire life.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately (not as in selfish) but I've been exploring myself as it is. I know I don't make sense right now to you. But if you've read one of my earlier posts, you will know that I'm currently in a dilemma because at this point in life, both my brain and my heart are at war. They both want different things and I don't know which to follow. My brain's intentions are clear but my heart's... like what I said earlier in my blog, is hard to read and hard to interpret. As a result, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

All I know is that I'm feeling completely lost, confused and dazed.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. My entire body is battling it out and I fell ill a couple of days ago. So my immunity is currently low and yet my feelings and thoughts are at war with each other again.

Please bear with me. I know I'm not making sense but this is what happens to a girl who spent her time in China and Hong Kong and Macau staring listlessly out of the bus window when everyone is listening to the tour guide just because she's trying to figure out her feelings. And also because the tour guide is speaking in Mandarin and she's a banana girl. ;)

Anyway, I had a totally weird dream that repeated itself when I was on tour in China. Now how many times have you heard about a girl who has repeated dreams in the space of three days? None right? That's why I said I've been staring listlessly out of the bus window during the entire window unless I am surrounded by company and talking to them or having meals or looking at scenery. Because through all these I forget the problems I'm in. And because of this character of mine; my character of not wanting to show the real state that I'm going through at that point in time, people think I'm fine and dandy when I'm torn and confused inside. I'm good at putting up facades. After all, isn't that what the world is good at doing?

Anyway, I'll stop my babbling. I won't relate to you my dream because it's too personal. Hmm... Van's blog says that it's good to keep a dream journal and I'm going to start one of my own with this dream topping it. You can ask me for a look at it and maybe or maybe not you can look at it. Like I said, it's personal and besides, most of you don't know what's the problem. :P

The first time I dreamt this particular dream was when I was sleeping at night in a hotel in Ju Hai in Southern China. The images weren't really clear and the conversation was blurred. But I could roughtly guess who was who. I woke up at 4.30 that morning with smth nagging at the back of my mind. Then I fell asleep again and woke up at 5.30. Slept and woke at 6.30. Morning call was 7 so I never bothered to try sleeping again. I knew something was wrong with my brain and something was tugging at my heart but I couldn't place it in my drowsiness of the night.

Then on the trip from Guangzhou to Shen Zhen; both in Southern China too, I fell asleep in the bus admist a really annoying marathon of so-much-more-irritating-than-lovely Cantonese love songs. Sorry mtyp and Joyce and Cas and whoever else I hurt by saying that. But trust me, it's all those old old soap opera types that I think even you dislike. :P

Anyway, I fell asleep. I'm still surprised at the way I managed to eventhough I kept thinking I would not be able to because of the annoying tunes eventhough I was sleepy like anything. Anyway, the dream came again. Clearer and sharper images shooting through my brain and the conversation was as clear as a bell. When I woke up, I was beyond shocked and surprised. Not only was that the weirdest dream I had ever had but it was concerning the weirdest thing also. Something I had never thought about before and certainly not want to feel in fear of jeopardizing something I hold dearly...

What do you do...
When your heart is telling you something and your mind is telling you something else...

What do you do...
When you feel all torn up inside and you feel just so lost...

What do you do...
When all the world thinks you're fine but when you're actually not...

What do you do...
When you feel like you want to explode because of the pressure building inside of you...

What do you do...
When you feel like you're an insipid fool and someone unworthy of something far greater than you...

What do you do...
When you have to constantly put on a happy facade just to hide the bubbling emotions within you...

What do you do...
When you so badly want to contain yourself from feeling a certain way...

What do you do...
When you are faced with a decision to make and no one is there to help you through it...

What do you do... what do you do...
What do you do??!!

Life goes on

Despite circumstances that dampen my spirits -

Despite problems that still haunt me -

Despite the death of someone whose legacy lives on -

Life as I know it goes on.

The days pass more slowly now and thought I've gotten over his death, there is still this hollow feeling that remains, this feeling of loss that has mellowed over the past few hours and days.

It's like - my heart is made up of different pieces. Each piece contains a certain someone that I've met in the path of life; friends, family and anyone who has made such a great impact on my life.

And with his death, one piece of my heart is gone thus the hollow feeling.

But if anything, I grieve here on earth together with the rest of my friends and his family, but in heaven the angels rejoice because he's back home with God.

Things are starting to fall back to normal routine back in church, although there's still the deep sense of loss. But like I said, he's gone to a much better place than the rest of us put together, he's gone to Paradise.

So I shall not attempt to ask God why He took him home with Him but rather, I believe that God has His own timing and His own reasons for bringing him home.

Which reminds me, I have to share something about how he impacted my life tomorrow at my youth fellowship. And for once, I have quite a number of things to share but I have a time constraint of 5 minutes. *pulls face*

If you come to think about it, the year 2005 has been a rocky one. For me I mean. It's been a year of trials and tribulations for me as I battle it out with my peers and schoolmates who condemn me and mock me. But if anything, through it all, I've become a stronger person and has a totally renewed faith in God and His comfort. And through it all, I realize that I've got such a great bunch of friends. There are so many of you that I can't possibly remember to name them all and I'm scared I might miss some of your names out. :P I've learnt in 2005 that you should depend on God when the whole world has turned their back on you; learnt that a bunch of good friends and a loving family can take you places that you've never dreamed of and I've definitely learnt to be more sturdy - even if I acted like a little pathetic, sick and weak fool throughout those times. Even then, my friends and family were there to boost me through and God stood by my side always. It's as if I've come back from a battle and become battle-hardened. Thanks guys for standing by me always... you guys know who you are.

Then 2005 was a year of numerable deaths. It's almost every month that we hear of a death of someone that we know. Like our friend's dad or grandad and the list goes on and on. But I believe that the death that has impacted me the most is the most recent death of my friend's dad.

He has really been a source of inspiration to me. Especially the way he conducted himself throughout those 2 years of illness, always caring for others and always putting others' needs beyond his own. When people were praying for him, he prayed not for himself but for others. When I came to his house just because I had to take a detour and he was tired, he took it upon himself to come out, greet me and inquired after my family's health... eventhough it was painfully obvious that he was weary and in pain. When I was sitting for PMR, he smsed my mum to find out how I was coping when he was lying in a hospital in Singapore undergoing treatment. He invested in plenty of people's lives including me though indirectly, totally selfless and undemanding. And his investments in those lives prospered and for that his legacy continues in his family, his friends, the church, my friends and I. How many times can you meet a man so humble to shove his pain aside just to encourage others and to attend to other's needs? He's been a real blessing to me and I shall never ever regret knowing him and neither shall I forget him. I don't think any of us ever will.

Anyway, I just realized. This blog's going to die for the next week coz I'll be in Hong Kong and China. I'm going to come back and give you all the bird flu!! MUAHAHAHA! Neh, God protect me, I shall not have bird flu. Emma will be away to China too so the blog is really going to die. Sorry blog! We'll have your resurrection soon enough after we come back from holidaying!

Christmas is coming! I'm excited... though this Christmas will have a certain air of solemnity in it because of our loss... All the same, Christmas is coming and I can't wait! Been preparing for it weeks and weeks and it's going to be finally here! Whoot!!

Which reminds me, I have to go and prepare my short speech tomorrow. So, I think I better go now.

Before I leave though, I'll like to leave a cryptic little sentence here that I think many of you won't get what I mean by it... except maybe Kim and Van.

'Tis impossiblé!!!

Disbelief

Today is a beautiful day.

But somehow I can't enjoy its splendour, its beauty, its everything that's all so happy and cheerful.

My heart is in mourning. My brain is numb with shock. My fingers are moving across the keyboard silently and automatically as I type this out. My eyes keep filling with silent tears.

You see, I woke up to the worst possible news today...

It is eight in the morning. My sketch practice is at nine. I wake up, still not knowing what had happened while I was asleep. I hunt for my glasses happily, thinking what scene for the sketch should we work on today, whether I should put on that pretty bracelet my mum gave me. All the while unaware that all my friends were in mourning.

Stupidly, I bounce downstairs, cheerful and happy. I hate myself for doing that. If only I had known -

Then my mum says, "Siaw Hui, you have a sms on your phone. I think it's the same one I got."
And she has a solemn look that I don't notice.

I think to myself, "Why the same?" And then I think, "Oh, maybe it's just some prayer request for one of my friends' dad who's in the hospital. You know, those things that remain the same throughout smses to diff ppl."

The first alarm bell rings in my head but it's so faint I don't hear it.

I open the sms. It's from one of my fellow actress in the sketch and my friend, Lydia. She's saying, "Siaw Hui, is the sketch practice STILL on?"

And I think to myself, "What a weird girl. Didn't I just tell her last night that it was on?" Irritated, I sms back, "YA."

The second alarm bell rings but I don't realize it.

My mum then says, "So is that sms from Auntie Jane?"I look at her blankly and go, "Why Auntie Jane? Why would she send me an sms?" My mum blinks then she says, "Oh didn't you know - " And she takes a deep breath.

The third and final alarm rings somewhere in the recesses of my head but it still never prepares me for what is coming.

I just breath, "What did she say, ma?"

And it strikes me ever so much when my mum replies...

"He passed away this morning at 12.01 a.m..."

I stare at her, not willing to believe the nerve that she was making his death up. Then it strikes me, Wait my mum wouldn't lie to me. Which means he... he died...

The phone rings. And through the Niagarafall like roar in my ears, I miraculously hear it and stumbling and fumbling I reach for that phone. I pick it up and croak out in a shaking voice, "Hello?"

The voice that comes over the phone is equally solemn and smooth as my mum's.

"Hello? Siaw Hui? Mike here. Sketch practice is cancelled."

"Oh right," I manage numbly.

A deadly and solemn silence hangs in the air and I can practically hear Mike's voice silently asking, "You know why don't you?"

"Right, I'd tell the others," I manage at last.

The phone clicks down and I eat my breakfast, the morning laksa.

Tears start to spring to my eyes. I wipe them away.

Why is this death affecting me so much? It's not like he's my dad or something. He's not even my real uncle for crying out loud. He's just my friends' dad. He's just someone that I never was close to. Just a father figure in my church. Just someone everyone admired. Just someone who the little kids look up to. Just that someone who... who cares for other people including me...

"Why are you crying? Laksa too hot?" a voice in Hokkien asks.

I turn around, it's just my maid.

"Yeah," I lie effortlessly, wiping the tears away, trying to deny everything.

The rest of my breakfast goes down my throat and I hardly taste it...

Now I look out at that bright sunny day outside my window, beyond this computer and I can hardly feel the joy that I felt when I woke up this morning.

Tears are still coming, they'll continue coming until - God knows when.

I know that for the better part, he's gone to be with the Lord. He's happy and peaceful where he is. No more pain, he had his share of ultimate pain for the last two years.

Two years, has it really been that long? Has it really?

I hate myself for being such a pathetic fool. Why should his death affect me? He's not someone I'm close to. Then I remember -

He's the one who tried to make me joke and laugh back when I was in my mum's medical dinner. My mother was busy fussing around and my dad, who was supposed to accompany me was talking with friends from another table. I felt rigid and awkward. I was friendless and lonely and above all, I was supposed to be the polite hostess of the table.

Then he was the one who said, "Siaw Hui? Enjoying the dinner?" And then he proceeded to joke and all in that warm manner of his, that care he effuses so effortlessly until at last, I did manage a smile. And then there was him saying, "See it isn't so bad isn't it?" as if reading my mind of not wanting to be here, "There's nothing to worry. Uncle is here to keep you company okay?"

The scene fades away and I stare unseeingly at the computer.

There, that was all? That alone, does it suffice to bring tears in my eyes because of his death? Does it?!

Tears roll down my cheek and then I remember -

He was the one who prayed for me during my PMR. He was the one who prayed that I got straight As and I got it.

The memories are coming back like a flood now.

He's the one who introduced me when I first became a pianist in that warm and comical manner of his. He's the one who smiled at me encouragingly when I felt I could drop through the stage because of sheer nerves.

Caring as he was, I always found his reading of the Bible a tad too long and dreary. I hate myself for having those thoughts now. I hate it, I regret it. If I take it back now, will this whole day restart with him living?

The last time I saw him was two weeks back. He was having joint pain that was so serious that had him crying silently until his wife had to comfort him. It was at that moment in time that I made a solemn vow that I would become a doctor, that I would be someone to heal pain as intense as that, that I would become someone who was able to restore a father back to his family.

Then my friend dragged me to go hug him. I was afraid. I didn't know him. I didn't really know him. But I went anyway. I stepped out, my hand ready for a hand shake in a dignified manner. But he just beamed at me and hugged me instead.

I hugged him awkwardly at first but then the hug reminded me of my own father's, one that I have not had in ages. I hugged him gently, scared of his fragility but I tapped him on the back anyway. I still can remember the conversation...

"Siaw Hui! Nice to see you after so long."

"Yeah nice to see you too. We've all missed you a lot."

Then I added as an afterthought, "You look better, so much better. Come and join us soon again, yeah?"

Those were my final words to him. God, they sound so stupid.

I stare out the window again, looking at my serene papaya tree.

I wish the day would restart again, so that he might be given a chance to live. I know God took him home to be with him but I feel as though it's too soon. I know I shouldn't question God's will but it all seems too soon for my liking, for my friends' liking. For crying out loud, my two friends are still in the first years of university!

Guilitily I remember, I didn't pray for him last night. I did yesterday morning and yesterday night but I was too tired last night that I just fell asleep immediately. Tell me, if I had prayed for him last night, if I had prayed, would he have survived? Would my prayer, if I had remembered to do one, would have given him life instead of death? Would one more prayer do the trick in making life triumph over death? Would God have done anything different if I had prayed, would He have given him life?

I wonder how is his family holding up. His son just flew back from KL yesterday. His daughter was crying and was in bad shape yesterday morning. His wife - I don't know. But when the death of someone beloved happens, I just don't know how they're doing.

I daren't call them, because I don't know what to say to them. I'm not a good encourage or exhorter or comforter esp in things like this. I'll just stumble my way through and maybe I'll worsen things. I'd just wait for my mum to call them then maybe add a few words of my own.

I'm still in shellshock, still not wanting to believe that any of this is real, still wanting to believe that at this Christmas dinner I'd see him smiling at all of us in his fatherly way just like anything. I still remember my mum's words to his wife when I hugged him -

"He's just so warm and caring. All the kids can't help warming up to him. He's just so fatherly and he cares for all of them - "

My church has lost its fatherly figure. His wife has lost her husband. His kids has lost their dad. And my friends and I? We just lost someone who cares for us and goes out of his way to make us feel at home.

Hear these words, from a grieving soul...

Help?!

I... I seriously don't know what to think anymore.

I threw myself into work from 10 in the morning till 5 in the afternoon but it still doesn't take this feeling of utter bewilderment away.

The feeling's still there, the feeling's still haunting me. The thoughts... are still reigning in my mind whenever I'm not thinking about work, whenever I let my mind wander freely...

Tell me, help me...

Is it possible for someone to still admire you and like you for who you are on the inside and not on the outside? Is it possible for someone to look past that outer self and into your very heart and like you for what they see within you? Is it possible for someone to be able to see past all that hideousness of mine and accept me for who I am? Is it possible?

Yeah sure, you can say, there are people who do that. But those people are in the minority.

Fate can intervene but not be so lucky. The chance is there but not probable.

And yet... can someone I know be in that minority?

I'm half out of my mind, ranting my heart out like this.

Dreams represent what one desires. So, if I have a dream about something for three consecutive nights, does it mean I desire that to come to pass? Because as far as my brain tells me, I know I don't want to be thinking about that right now and certainly don't want it. But my heart's intentions are far worse off and far harder to read and to figure out...

Tell me, help me...

Can someone still, still respect you, look up to you, admire you and like you even if they've seen you at the lowest of the low of your life. Even if they've heard you rant on and on about your crushed hopes, dreams and all problems, insignificant it seems to them. Even if you, at that point in your life, rely on them to give you advice and long for them to listen. Even if they've seen you break down countless times and cry your soul out. Even if you fling problems at them until the next time you open your mouth and sigh, they immediately leap to their feet and go, "Wuh oh. Problem again?"

Can someone still accept you and like you eventhough they've seen you act like you're half out of your mind? Can someone still accept you eventhough they've seen you cry and bawl like a newborn baby? Can someone still accept you eventhough they've seen you frown and mourn almost every single time for countless days? Can someone still like you even though you've proven countless of times that you're a pathetic and weak fledgling? Can they, can they?

My mind's spinning round and round. Days and weeks are coming together as one, forcing me to have my sense of time disoriented. Throughout this entire post, it's my heart doing the talking... at least that's what I think so.

I used to be so sure what I wanted in my life. In fact, I have my entire life planned out. I used to be so sure in making (usually right) decisions. I used to be sure about everything.

But now, everything is disintegrating. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I desire. I don't know what I long for. And worst of all, I don't know what's going on. And for the crowning glory, I don't know what I'll do if I'm confronted with that... that... problem and decision if my gut feeling is right...

It all started when I saw that nickname.

If I'm right... if I'm bloody right... if that nick represents what I think it is, my life might be changed. Big time.

For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do, I'm not certain whether I want that to happen...

Help...........

The Past

I'm sleepy, really sleepy.

I've been out every night since holidays begun. Which is like, one month once tomorrow comes.

OMG, so fast.

One month of hols have gone! Ahh! Still got one more!

*clings desperately to time* (if that's possible)

Don't wanna move on! Don't wanna go on! Don't wanna go to Form Five!

*clings more desperately onto time* (again if that's possible)

Just want Christmas to come and just stop there. Don't wanna go Form Five!

*gasp* Still have to go back to sch on 28!!!

Unfair, unfair, unfair!! Gahhhh, phooey.

Haha, yeah well, have been thinking about the past a lot lately. Esp last last Thursday. I think.

*blinks*

Great, my sense of time has been disoriented.

Anyway, I remember it's a Thursday la! Geez... got so many Thursdays that I have been on holiday. So can't exactly remember. But I think it's two weeks ago...

Ok, me stopping ranting right now. Back to point.

Yeah, so anyway, on that night we had this youth leaders' meeting. Haha, conference more like. It was a really eventful night.

So anyway, it was in youth leader, Mike's house and we were all sitting in his secondary living room. And then after the meeting, we were talking about our past.

And talking about it, I remember blabbering about my Form 2 Days. Esp with a certain Ms Kamala Rao. Remember? The Indian teacher? *evil grin*

Haha... anyway these are what I can remember...
1) The primary sch bell rings (the one which sounds like the fire alarm)
Kamala: What's that?
The class senses an opportunity to trick Kamala.
Class: It's the fire alarm! Got fire!
Kamala: (shocked) Really?
Class: YEAH
Kamala: Okay, class, hurry, hurry line up outside. In an orderly manner.
Whole class rushes outside, laughing as we go.
Kamala: (flustered) Okay, we go down now. Funny, where are the oth classes?
Class: They must have missed the bell.
Kamala: Ok, ok, let's go!
We make our way down to the football field. And it is only then that she realized she's been tricked. Haha...
2) During a "yoga" session...
Kamala: I want you to close your eyes...
The class bursts out laughing and then seeing her mad face, we obey.
Kamala: Now I want you to imagine a bubble.
Kim who's sitting beside me lets out a snort of laughter.
Me: (covering my snorts) Shut up!
Kamala: Now, this bubble is large and beautiful. I want you to step into the bubble.
Tan: (aloud) How you do that? Bubble will pop!
Class erupts into laughter.
Kamala: (indignant) Open the door to the bubble and get in!
Class closes their eyes and begin to imagine.
Kamala: Now the bubble transports you to a peaceful place. I want you to imagine how that place looks like.
Me: (squishing my eyes shut and trying to imagine but really cannot! Only got one black space) Kim, I can't see anyth.
Kim: You think I can?
After a few minutes...
Kamala: So, what did you see?
Calls on a few ppl to explain all except for me.
Me: Phew...
Kamala: Class dismissed.
Me: (walking out of room)
Kamala: What did you see, Siaw Hui?
Me: Uhhh, it's really stupid. (smile sheepishly, cursing myself for not walking faster)
Kamala: (beams) Just tell me.
Me: Uhhh, uhhh
Kamala: Go on.
Me: Uhhh (Kim erupts into laughter besides me) Uhh well there was this really peaceful place. (cast around for ideas) Uhh, then got this waterfall! Big huge beau-ti-ful waterfull. Water just gushing from it, feels so cold feels so nice. Then uhh... got this huge lake! So blue, so dark and cold too! Then got these really wavy and leafy trees, waving their branches at me. And got ppl sleeping under them. Uhhh, no pollution got kids running around happily and then uhh got nice little cottages. You know the one in the countryside? Little chimneys but no smoke! Uhhh... like that? (wince)
Kamala: That was beautiful. Siaw Hui, you should be grateful that you have such a creative imagination.
Kim bursts into laughter.

Oh man, I'm cracking up with laughter. Still got oth stuff from Kamala, but just can't think of any right now. Haha...

Oh oh! And then got Cikgu Christina Lim. The one who's scared of sunlight? The one who left after one year? The one who likes to wear really short skirts? YEAH, that's her.

She's always asking ppl to close the curtains to our class and well we got sick and tired...
Sing Yue: Take down the curtains! Quick quick, before she comes!
Cel: (muffles laughter with hand and takes down curtains with Kim and Tan)
SIng Yue: Quick, quick, stuff it in the locker! Hurry!
Curtains are stuffed rapidly into locker.
Class hurries outside to line up.
Cikgu walks into the class after greetings.
Cikgu: Where are the curtains, Kim?
Kim: Ahhh, ahh...
Sing Yue: At the dry cleaners!
Class erupts into laughter and Cikgu stares.
Cikgu: What? Why?
Sing Yue: It was dirty so we decided to wash it.
Cikgu: Ohh...
The whole lesson she keeps her books covered over her face so that the sunlight doesn't get on her.

OMG, I'm laughing so hard I can't stop. Oh, oh and then Mike was also reminiscing about his sch days and OMG this next story is so damn funny.

Mike: Hey guys, I had this classmate called Sardine last time.
Me: (splutters) Sardine as in... sardine sardine?
Mike: (amused) Yeah that sardine sardine.
All leaders erupt into helpless laughter.
Zoe: OMG, really? The teachers call him that too?
Mike: Yeah, which reminds me. There was one time the Maths teacher got so pissed with him because he kept laughing.
Us: And then?
Mike: The teacher said, "Sardine! If you don't shut up, I'm going to squish you into a sardine can!"
All leaders erupt into helpless laughter again.

OMG, and then the next incident was so bloody funny. Gosh, there was a rat in the house in that room actually. I still remember the incident as clear as anything.

At one point, we were all trapped in the living room. We couldn't take the risk of running out and having the rat follow us. The rat had mysteriously vanished. Samantha and me were on the sofa, clinging to one another. Needless to say, we're terrified of huge black fat rats.
Sam: Where's the rat?
Me: I dunno.
Jenna: It's under the sofa you're standing on.
Sam and me: AAHHHHHH!!!
We leap from that sofa onto another, screaming.

Then at another point...
Sam: Where's that rat gone again?
Me: Dunno -
Suddenly we hear a thud and we look up, afraid.
Rat: SQUEEAKKKKK! ( falls from the ceiling just inches from our head)
Sam and Me: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (jump a foot into the air)

OMG, OMG, I'm laughing like anything now.

Oh yeah, before I forget -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDAN AND NOEL! YOU"RE SWEET SIXTEEN TODAY! WHHOOTT! HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY GUYS!