Ambitions

After many sleepless nights -

After tireless moments of biting fingernails -

After days of bubbling anticipation -

After weeks of preparation -

After many hours of heart aches and head aches -

It finally has come.

THE FORM FIVE FIRST TERM LODGE SCHOOL EXAMINATIONS YEAR 2006 IS FINALLY OVER!

And what ensues will be hours and hours and days and days of pure mirth and fun. NO MORE STUDYING!! WOO HOO!!

Although there is the fact that the euphoria would probably die very soon (as soon as tomorrow I'm afraid) once we all get back our hideously hard exam papers. After all, the standing for Bio right now is like what? 4A1s only in our entire form? Hah.

Actually, I don't think I'm feeling the euphoria that I ought to be feeling right now. I'm supposed to feel wings sprouting just about now but I don't. :) Coz well, even though at the moment in time I was doing my Chem exam, I was thinking, "Hmm, this is pretty ok." But after walking out the of the exam hall, Sing Yue and Aidan were like saying that there were lotsa Bs in the obj. And I don't remember having lots of them! I remember having lost of As! I think... Doomed, I'm so doomed.

Anyway, coming back to the point of today's blog discussion (hah, I sound so cool :P)

Ambitions. Hah. At this point in life (or rather threshold from high school to college and onwards to uni) I'm sure all have been given lectures on what careers we should choose. Many of us will start thinking of what we want to be. Hey, it's normal. After all, it's the next part of life after finishing high school. :P

I know a lot of my friends (like Noel and Van and Al) have been giving some thought to what they want to pursue in the future. And yeah, they have been busy battling it out with their parents sort of. But I'm sure whatever any of you guys, and all other people out there reading this, choose, your parents will come to understand in time. After all, they love you and just want you to be happy, right? Duh. Why am I even asking the question? :P

While others are cracking their heads open about what they want to be (guys, it's just an expression all right?) I believe I know what I want to be. And everyone just about knows my ambition, seeing the fact that everytime the Moral teacher asks us EACH AND EVERY YEAR about what our ambition is, my classmates will yell out, SIAW HUI WANNA BE A DOCTOR! Haha.

Ever since I was a kid in Primary One, I always wanted to be a doctor. I don't know why but I just did. I remember walking into my mum's clinic one day (to get a shot mind you) and watching my mum consult her patients. And when I was sitting there watching my mum at work, I dunno why but I felt like I wanted to be in her place, telling people what they should do so they can be well again. And the fact that my mum seemed so in control of the situations (eventhough she was faced by some hysterical people who were wailing even though they had only common flu :P) made an impression that would last till today. And the fact that I love interacting with people (in the common tongue that would be called a kepo :P) and helping people (to the best I can though that doesn't suffice most times again) just seems to fit the bill of being a doctor.

But well, I've never always wanted to be a doctor. Haha. When I was young I had wild and crazy dreams like you guys did to. Noel wanted to be a fireman (just because he wanted to spray water on someone's house or smth). Kim wanted to be a teacher (she even pretended to teach Khang and me when we were still kids!). Someone wanted to be a princess (can't remember who so don't ask!) Alison wanted to be a dictator (I think that comes with the territory lol). And my bro himself wanted to be a garbage collector (coz at that time his maths was kinda bad - seeing that he doesn't want to study - and people kept saying that he'll end up as one) But well, look where my bro is now! Studying to be an engineer and commerce guy thingy. :P

When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher at one time. And yes, if you must know, I used to dump my teddy bears and whatever soft toys I had into one corner and drag out my portable white board. And then I'll get a board marker and write stuff all over the board and teach them. :) At one time I wanted to be a baker too - God knows why - and I took out my play dough and made shapes out of them, pretending that they were cookies. And not only that, I turned my room upside down in hopes of thinking that it'll look like a bakery.

Ah the crazy things I did when I was a kid.

Oh and there was the ambition of wanting to be an archeologist too! I love Egyptology ever since I was a tyke (still do actually :P) And well, I always imagined myself digging up some forsaken sight near pyramids in the hot desert (I still do actually :P) Yeah, come to think of it, I still hope that I'll make it in archeology one day, dunno why, but yeah. But technically, I think the dream will stay out of reach. :D

Noel must be laughing his head off just about now. Whatever!

Yeah, but lately, as we draw nearer to university, I've been thinking about whether being a doctor is what I really want to be. I mean the ambition has been drilled into me ever since I was a kid, ever since my first visit to the clinic. And everytime ppl go like, So you want to be a doctor? and my automatic response of Yes.

Should I really be a doctor?

I mean, yeah, I have interest in Bio. Okay, fine, I'll get the load of my chest and say I love Bio. Not in the nerdy kind of way but it's just that I feel like I can relate to Bio coz I mean, I'm part of Bio aren't I? I'm a human! And we study humans! So I'm a living Biology work of art (or whatever) And that's probably why Bio is the only Science sub that I can stay awake in class. And make my focus stay for long periods of time. And maybe that's why I take care when I'm studying Bio. But then again, maybe the teachers of Physics and Chem are just plain boring. Haha.

And then there is the pressure from the teachers that I know. Eg.

Teacher: So, your brother is going to be an engineer?
Me: Yeah he is.
Teacher: Just like your dad?
Me: Yeah, he's following his footsteps.
Teacher: So that means you'll be a doctor like your mum too?
Me: (smile) I guess.
Teacher: There's no guessing! You will take after your mum and must be a doctor!

OR

Teacher: So you want to be a doctor?
Me: (smiles) I guess.
Teacher: Good. So next time when I'm ill I can get free medicine from you.

I mean, they all mean it in a good way, but I don't know... it just seems so forced?

Sigh.

And then there have been discouragements from my friends who are either currently working as doctors or studying to be one.

One of them, Julian - or should I say - DR Julian is currently working as a houseman. And well, when he asked me what I wanted to be and to which I replied I wanted to be a doctor, he said, "NO! Don't become a doctor!" I went, "And this coming from you?" *insert raised eyebrows* And then he'll rant on about how much torture it is to be a houseman, about how you have to drag yourself out of bed when there's an emergency and you're on call, about how many hours you have to work in the hospital. The word torture has been emphasized so often by him that now that everytime I see him and ask, "So how's work?" He'll go, "Fine. Six more months to go. Six more months. " To which I'd say, "Oh ok. Enjoy your torture. Tata!" and smile a huge grin.

Then there's my friend Joven, who's currently studying medicine. Everytime he goes, "So how were exams?" I'll go, "Bad." And he'll go, "Don't you dare compare your exams to mine!!" And he keeps on and on telling me, "Don't be a doctor." Me: "Why?" "Coz no one will ever date you." I'll go in a very sarcastic way, "Really?"And he'll go, "Definitely. I mean no guy will fall for a girl who takes medicine." And when I shoot him this really evil glare, he'll continue hastily, "And so will no girl fall for a guy who takes medicine." And then I'll go, "Ah, then how did my mum ever get married then?" LOL

My mum wants me to take over her clinic one day. I know it. I mean, she's been saying that ever since my bro started uni. When my bro switched from med to engineering, she was like telling my bro, "Well I'm quite disappointed but never mind, we still have Siaw Hui to rely on." My parents are great in the sense that they allow me to pursue whatever path I might choose. But, when I mentioned to my mum once that I might not be a doctor, she was like, "Oh, nevermind, your cousing who wants to be a doctor can have the clinic then." But I can hear the disappointment reflected in her voice even if it's not painfully obvious.

On the other hand, I can't imagine myself doing anything else in the Science field. I mean, I will definitely not - many years down the road - be caught sitting in front of plans and calculating bending force and momentum and all that. I will not be caught dead calculating the force a road can take and how much water a drain can hold or stuff like that. I have absolutely NO interest in Arts though somehow, my second choice of career has been Accounting. And well, I've given thought to Law ever since my uncle said that I should consider it. But I go, Neh, too much research and I'm not that cunning and eloquent in speech.

And then, there has been unforeseen circumstances that have happened over the past months. The death of two dads. Both dads are my friends' dads. And I still remember the feeling of helplessness whenever I see my friends all teary eyed. I just remember the feeling of not knowing what to say and not knowing what to do, just standing there like you're the new pillar of the house or smth. And somehow, there has been smth nagging at my mind ever since then telling me that, Hey look here, if you're a doctor, you might be able to save your friend's relatives next time. You will be able to save lives. You will be able to reduce suffering and pain for them. You need not feel helpless again. You might be able to spare them hurt.

The decision of the a lifetime is drawing nearer. And just at the time it really counts, just at the critical time, I'm beginning to rethink my ambition, beginning to think maybe my being a doctor is not the best thing after all.

On a lighter note, here's a joke on ambition:
Khang: What's your ambition?
Me: Err, to be a doctor I guess.
Khang: Is it?
Me: I guess.
Khang: Eh you know, I bet I'm the only person who has already achieved my ambition at such a young age.
Me: Is it? What's your ambition?
Khang: (beams proudly) To be a class monitor.
Me: ...

Hmm, to be or not to be?

That is the question. ;)