Have you ever?
Before I begin...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASMINE!!!!!
Love you lots girl! Muaks. And many happy returns of the day!
And don't forget about the rest of us sixteen-plus-year-old ppl when you're learning driving eh!!
Now that the perky part is done (heh) here comes the morbid one.
Have you ever felt stabbed in the heart one time or another? Or sometimes even in the back? I'm sure you have. It pretty much stinks doesn't it? Coz if you, for one, think that said stabbing was utterly cool, you're either weird (very might I add) or you're one who loves doing that to others.
Then again, have you ever felt like you've known someone for years because of the time you've been friends with that person, but then after something rudely slaps you in the face (because of said friend) you suddenly realize that you don't know anything about the person at all? Now this feeling, maybe you don't get it all too often.
Have you ever felt really stupid and wished that you could duplicate yourself, so you can get your clone to kick you in the backside? Have you ever? Because you feel like you've been the world's B I G G E S T fool and you really hate the feeling? Because you actually believed someone's intentions were genuine but then something happens, and you realize that hey, this person ain't geniune, he or she's getting me to do something so that they can reap their benefits off me! Because sometimes, the world pretty much stinks and that, something that you wanted to believe in, was just a big, utter hoax?
Have you ever felt like, "I wish I hadn't done this... if not this wouldn't have happened?" Plenty of times am I right? The world is made up of If Only's. And right now, I'm toying with If Onlys in my head. If only I had not asked, I wouldn't be smarting right now.
Have you ever felt like you're a failure when it comes to relationships? Esp friendships? Because you know what? I do. And you want to know why? Because though I have a really good bunch of friends like Jas, Van, Kim, Noel, Emm, Sat, Ak, Al, Kok and the rest which I'm too lazy to type, and though they will never betray me, there are a lot of others that will. There are a lot of others that I make friends with over the years (and our frienship is getting weaker) and there are those whom I'm sort of forced to make friends with while doing certain work. And these friends (haha) well they don't feel the urge to remain loyal and all giving and understanding. They, however, feel the urge to use, manipulate and twist you around and around when you apparently think that they were trying to make you happy. Until reality slaps you really hard on the face that is.
Have you ever felt like you wanted to stab the person in the face when he or she is telling you something that you couldn't believe was possible? Sure, you do. I mean sometimes I feel like I want to strangle Kim for annoying me one too many times. But let me tell you this, this is actually the first time, I have the urge to just box someone in the face (well actually third time heh) because of what the person was saying. But you know what? I couldn't. Coz there were people around us and I had to keep my calm. Wanna know why? Because I'm supposed to be a role model everywhere I am. In school (Head Prefect) in church (Youth Leader) and at home (frankly I dunno why but my parents insist on it.)
Have you ever felt like you're a walking bad luck charm? Because you know what I do. I've just been stabbed last year (very badly might I add) by several people I thought were close to me. And you know, I'm supposed to forgive them. But I need time to do it. I've tried praying to God to help me, believe me, but even then I'm still struggling to. I know I have to rely on Him and not on my inner strength, but I'm still learning how to, I'm still learning how to forgive. Because you know what? I've gone through so many stages of hurt that forgiveness seems to be the soul of my life now. And I haven't done entirely too well... And wonder of wonders, someone hurts me again. Wow.
Have you ever felt like you just want to shut out the world? Have you ever felt like you just wanted your happy friends to just shut up? Have you ever felt like you just want to throw off the smile on your face and go, "LOOK! SIAW HUI"S NOT HAPPY! SHE"S JUST FREAKING PRETENDING SHE IS!? Have you ever felt like you want to shut yourself into a room and cry? Have you ever felt like you want to push away all your friends so you can just be alone? Have you ever felt like you want your heart, your very essence of what makes you human to be gone so that you can be spared so many hurts? Have you ever felt like you don't want to be Head Prefect because everything bad suddenly happens to you when you do just like it's a bad luck post? Have you ever felt like you just want to run around like a super idiot, crying your eyeballs out and not have to remain dignified because you're supposed to be a role model? Have you ever felt like you wanted to spill your heart out to someone close to you but you can't because they're supposed to be happy and you want them to remain that way?
Above all, tell me this, please do...
Have you ever felt like you want to be someone else? Someone else who doesn't face so much hurt and pain. To be anyone else but you?
I sure do.
Everyone says that being me is cool, that I'm lucky that I'm Wong Siaw Hui, that I'm lucky because I'm me.
But let me tell you this, I'm not.
Right now, I'll give anything to be any of you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASMINE!!!!!
Love you lots girl! Muaks. And many happy returns of the day!
And don't forget about the rest of us sixteen-plus-year-old ppl when you're learning driving eh!!
Now that the perky part is done (heh) here comes the morbid one.
Have you ever felt stabbed in the heart one time or another? Or sometimes even in the back? I'm sure you have. It pretty much stinks doesn't it? Coz if you, for one, think that said stabbing was utterly cool, you're either weird (very might I add) or you're one who loves doing that to others.
Then again, have you ever felt like you've known someone for years because of the time you've been friends with that person, but then after something rudely slaps you in the face (because of said friend) you suddenly realize that you don't know anything about the person at all? Now this feeling, maybe you don't get it all too often.
Have you ever felt really stupid and wished that you could duplicate yourself, so you can get your clone to kick you in the backside? Have you ever? Because you feel like you've been the world's B I G G E S T fool and you really hate the feeling? Because you actually believed someone's intentions were genuine but then something happens, and you realize that hey, this person ain't geniune, he or she's getting me to do something so that they can reap their benefits off me! Because sometimes, the world pretty much stinks and that, something that you wanted to believe in, was just a big, utter hoax?
Have you ever felt like, "I wish I hadn't done this... if not this wouldn't have happened?" Plenty of times am I right? The world is made up of If Only's. And right now, I'm toying with If Onlys in my head. If only I had not asked, I wouldn't be smarting right now.
Have you ever felt like you're a failure when it comes to relationships? Esp friendships? Because you know what? I do. And you want to know why? Because though I have a really good bunch of friends like Jas, Van, Kim, Noel, Emm, Sat, Ak, Al, Kok and the rest which I'm too lazy to type, and though they will never betray me, there are a lot of others that will. There are a lot of others that I make friends with over the years (and our frienship is getting weaker) and there are those whom I'm sort of forced to make friends with while doing certain work. And these friends (haha) well they don't feel the urge to remain loyal and all giving and understanding. They, however, feel the urge to use, manipulate and twist you around and around when you apparently think that they were trying to make you happy. Until reality slaps you really hard on the face that is.
Have you ever felt like you wanted to stab the person in the face when he or she is telling you something that you couldn't believe was possible? Sure, you do. I mean sometimes I feel like I want to strangle Kim for annoying me one too many times. But let me tell you this, this is actually the first time, I have the urge to just box someone in the face (well actually third time heh) because of what the person was saying. But you know what? I couldn't. Coz there were people around us and I had to keep my calm. Wanna know why? Because I'm supposed to be a role model everywhere I am. In school (Head Prefect) in church (Youth Leader) and at home (frankly I dunno why but my parents insist on it.)
Have you ever felt like you're a walking bad luck charm? Because you know what I do. I've just been stabbed last year (very badly might I add) by several people I thought were close to me. And you know, I'm supposed to forgive them. But I need time to do it. I've tried praying to God to help me, believe me, but even then I'm still struggling to. I know I have to rely on Him and not on my inner strength, but I'm still learning how to, I'm still learning how to forgive. Because you know what? I've gone through so many stages of hurt that forgiveness seems to be the soul of my life now. And I haven't done entirely too well... And wonder of wonders, someone hurts me again. Wow.
Have you ever felt like you just want to shut out the world? Have you ever felt like you just wanted your happy friends to just shut up? Have you ever felt like you just want to throw off the smile on your face and go, "LOOK! SIAW HUI"S NOT HAPPY! SHE"S JUST FREAKING PRETENDING SHE IS!? Have you ever felt like you want to shut yourself into a room and cry? Have you ever felt like you want to push away all your friends so you can just be alone? Have you ever felt like you want your heart, your very essence of what makes you human to be gone so that you can be spared so many hurts? Have you ever felt like you don't want to be Head Prefect because everything bad suddenly happens to you when you do just like it's a bad luck post? Have you ever felt like you just want to run around like a super idiot, crying your eyeballs out and not have to remain dignified because you're supposed to be a role model? Have you ever felt like you wanted to spill your heart out to someone close to you but you can't because they're supposed to be happy and you want them to remain that way?
Above all, tell me this, please do...
Have you ever felt like you want to be someone else? Someone else who doesn't face so much hurt and pain. To be anyone else but you?
I sure do.
Everyone says that being me is cool, that I'm lucky that I'm Wong Siaw Hui, that I'm lucky because I'm me.
But let me tell you this, I'm not.
Right now, I'll give anything to be any of you.
posted by *~siaw hui~* at 5:45 PM
8 Comments:
=( Cheer up Siaw. Be the happy squeakin old you again.
Just be who you want to be, siaw...
we don't expect you to be oh-so-perfect, calm and always smiling. Expectations..noel even blogged about it. The only expectations you should have are those for yourself. And don't go "I expect myself to be good enough for ppl so that I may meet their bloody expectations."
When I look at you, I see Wong Siaw Hui, one of my closest friends, NOT the Head Girl or the Youth Leader. You're human; you have emotions (DUH! i mean, whoever doesn't understand that should just rot or I'll make him/her). So just let it all out. scream!! It helps, trust me. You can even scream at me.
Smile again, siaw. And this time, smile only if you want to. Frown when you disagree. As a wonderful friend of mine once said, "Whether we like it or not, emotions aren't leaving us anytime soon."
You know,..in fact, she said many meaningful things. :) And one day, I'm gonna brag all about them.
hey! I said that. :)
See that smile? :)
And that one... again?
Emotions sucks. They really do. And I admit, I have too high expectations. Eventhough I am only human. But what can you expect? I am expected to have high expectations of myself, so I can push myself to excel.
I've not yet tried screaming. But I've tried crying myself to sleep. And I've tried smsing emm with scatters of my problem until she actually went, Oh Siaw... which (was very nice actually) made me almost cry A G A I N
I really dunno why this is affecting me so much. Really I don't. Mebbe it's because... heck, I dunno. :)
Wait, I do know one thing. Mebbe it's because that thing wasn't meant to hurt me (at least I think not) but the person who said it, doesn't know that I'm hurting on the inside. And I daren't speak up and say, "hey look here, you hurt me with this this you know?"
But I do know one thing. Don't try bugging me for info. Because, it's not that I don't trust you. But it's just because I need closure (or whatever it is) and I'll... spill when the time is right.
This hurt sucks.
oh and btw, van, it's not that I didn't want to frown and scream when I was with me pals. It was because it was jas' bday and whatever it is, I have to keep smiling for her right? I have to keep being happy... because everyone was just so happy.
Like I told emm, there was only one time I let down my guard to Kim during that party(who has the firmest orders not to tell anyone)when we were at the playground. And because I did, I almost cried. But I held back because Jas was happily swinging on a swing nearby...
ok. im not good at this. any way i can help jus tell me. whos the person. i aint no role model and frankly i wont mind beatin up the person, actually will enjoy it, if the person disturbed u. send a sms who it is. ill c wad i can do. this ones for free. family discount ;) we rodents gotta stick together eh!
uhh actually, i wasn't looking forward to REALLY beating up the person. It was just at that time i just wanted to punch the person in the face or just jab the person in the eye or smth.
hah. you admit i'm family! LOL
and the person didn't disturb me la. it's just. i dunno hurting?
haha! yes my extremely distant cousin. or relative. or something lah. only know we are faintly related coz we r rodents. the clean n smarter ones of course. not like the diswoned ones such as the rats!
we r family! u my sumthing sumthing... forgot the song. hehe
we r family, my brother sister and me... or smth like that.
UGHH... having you as a brother? GIVES ME THE CREEPS! haha
I AM CLEANER! At least i don't get nuts smeared into my face. HAHA
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